What I've Learned from Fanfiction

Fanfiction is defined as stories about characters, places, and situations written by fans of an original work rather than by its creators. Fanfiction also has a skewed realm of physics and logic that can confuse even the most experienced person in today's world. What good does knowing this do? Well, not much. But just in case you wanted to know about the differences, or on the off chance you get pulled through your computer screen into the world of fic by a magical device (omg Mary Sue!), the following list just might be the difference between life and death. Chew on that, why don't you?

The general idea for this list (and the page's design, for that matter) was blatantly taken from Laws of Anime and The Grand List Of Console Role Playing Game Clichés, which are both far more superior lists than this one. If you like anime and video games, and you like fanfiction, and you read all these lists, you'll be set for life.

Wanna submit a suggestion? Shoot me an e-mail.

Obligatory note: this page is a satire, not a flame. We can't be held responsible for your missing sense of humor should you take offense to anything listed below, should it bother you or happen to be in your own fanfic.

  1. Try Again... Eventually
    If at first you dont succeed, angst and brood about it till your lover/best friend/parent talks you out of near suicide.
  2. "OMG U LUV ME? I LUV U 2!"
    It's really not that hard to tell a good friend you have romantic feelings for them.
  3. Duct Tape Rule
    Your best friend is only on the side of good because they haven't been brainwashed yet.
  4. When I Get That Feeling...
    When someone gets raped, the best way to help them is to make love to them, instead of taking them to a clinic for sexual abuse where they can get mental and emotional assistance.
  5. Fits All Sizes
    That trick will work for non-rape victims too. If they're a shy wallflower, you can open them right up by having sex with them. If they're terrified of having sex, they will have a sudden epiphany of incredible joy the second you even touch them. And a woman will never get pregnant when you do the deed with her, condoms, birth control, or otherwise. Unless you simply want her to get pregnant. Surprise!
  6. Thanks for the Test Drive
    If the person you just slept with turned out not to be your true love, they won't feel any sense of loss or regret when you tell them how much you appreciated them giving you a taste of what sex is like before you saunter off to the person you already know is your perfect match.
  7. Change Your Life Rule
    If you're ditzy, and that doesn't fit with your preferred lifestyle, suddenly decide to "stop pretending" and "show who you really are", and then leave your old friends and life on a whim.
  8. Don't Get Over It Corollary
    If you do leave, everyone you left behind will realize how horrible and neglectful they were to you and will wallow in their guilt and refuse to move on with their lives until you return.
  9. Mary Sue Design 101
    The Mary Sue is a popular character feature seen in fanfics. In 90% of their appearances, they are designed to be everything the author wishes they were. In the remaining 10%, they may be "anti-Sues" who are everything the author hates about a person they don't like in real life.
  10. Mary Sue Design 102
    Mary Sues are allowed to have hair and eye shades from all colors of the rainbow, without needing copious amounts of dye, surgery, or gene therapy.
  11. Mary Sue Design 103
    Sues are required by galactic law to be involved in a romantic subplot with the main protagonist. However, don't be surprised if you fall in love with her anyways, even if you're not the focus of the story, because she's just that hot.
  12. Mary Sue Design 104
    If you didn't fall madly in love with her but you still like her, the girl is probably a relative of yours. She'll either be an ancestor millenia up the line, your long lost sister sent away at birth for her safety/to fulfill prophecy, or your descendant from a future timeline.
  13. Mary Sue Design 105
    If you didn't fall madly in love with her and you hate her, your days are numbered. You will take the fall, and all of your family and closest friends for years will hate you for even thinking of hating her.
  14. Mary Sue Design 106
    Just because she's seventeen years old doesn't mean Mary Sue won't be a crack crimefighter, an accomplished and popular singer, a mistress of the martial arts, a genius in whatever field is useful in the story, and an experienced leader whom everyone instinctively trusts. All at the same time.
  15. Mary Sue Design 201
    Anti-Sues are common, but may not make a situation better.
  16. "You know that's a serious disorder, right?"
    Cutting/anorexia/bulimia is a normal teenage habit that's only slightly disturbing and can be instantly solved when your true love discovers you bleeding/starving to death in a dramatic bathroom scene and you will never have permanent emotional scaring from your little habit. People don't die from these things you know.
  17. Convienent Power-up Rule
    Don't worry if the solution isn't readily apparent. Something will come up in the nick of time.
  18. Make Yourself Useful
    If you have a power up that you acquired or invented for no particular reason and not against any specific threat, you'll need it the second you get the finalized version.
  19. Super Saiyajin
    Alternately, you can wait for one of your allies to die in battle. The emotional trauma of watching their demise will, without fail, bring an immense boost of power which will allow you to wipe out all your enemies in seconds.
  20. Fight the Establishment
    Everyone loves Evanescence and buys all of their clothing from Hot Topic and hates those goddamn preppies.
  21. Affection Is So 50's
    Parents oppress their kids, or pay no attention to them. Loving family? Stop telling lies.
  22. Third Person Rule
    You can hear everyone's thoughts, because why should we only understand one view of a situation? That's so boring!
  23. AIM Corollary
    At least 20% of people in a story will think and speak in the style of instant message chats. In severe cases, this can go as high as 80%.
  24. Share the Angst Rule
    Your LiveJournal is so emo it bleeds.
  25. You Can Trust Me Rule
    People you've just met are the most trustworthy people on the face of the planet, and it's perfectly okay to tell them your deepest, darkest secrets.
  26. Wrong Turn Corollary
    On the other hand, if you tell your best friend for the past decade that deep dark secret, expect it to come back to haunt you, and not just years down the line, but in five minutes.
  27. Rule 314-b Rule
    There are regulations about dating a superior officer? Really?
  28. Platonic Transformation, Go!
    Best friend? Give it a few months. If they're not already your lover, they will be.
  29. Perfect Health Rule
    You have broken ribs? Dude, those will so be healed by tomorrow morning.
  30. Perfect Health Corollary
    Hospitals, antiseptics, and even bandages are a waste of time... until you receive a story-driven injury that results in guilt-tripping your family and friends or causing your true love to admit their feelings.
  31. Unnecesary Trojans Rule
    Juvenile sex is to be encouraged and supported! Teen pregnancy is awesome! Male pregnancy is possible!
  32. Trapped in the Closet Corollary
    If they have sex with you, they love you truly, deeply, and forever. Casual sex? Never heard of it.
  33. Wednesday Is Personality #8 Day
    Your enemy will be either much more menacing or much more kitten-like than usual, depending on the author's inclination.
  34. Children as Adults, Just Smaller Rule
    Children don't throw tantrums, don't overflow their diapers, and don't wail when held by strangers. Children are always perfectly obedient and well-behaved at any age. They're also adorable, to boot.
  35. Broadway Import
    Characters can announce how they feel at any time, regardless of how inappropriate the situation is. Further cinematic oomph will be provided if their method of announcement is made by use of song and dance.
  36. Clock of Suspense
    Countdowns always stop at one. Sometimes at under one, if you're counting in decimals.
  37. They Didn't See It Coming
    Evil villains are required by galactic law to utter disbelieving phrases such as "I am invincible!" or "This is impossible!" before they are killed.
  38. It's a Gundam!!!
    Alternately, villains can also utter phrases that state the obvious, such as being surprised at the sight of an incoming projectile, and subsequently identifying the projectile by its name as if no-one else knew what it was. Doing it this way, however, guarantees the method of death will be at least 350% more flashy.
  39. Whims Grow on Trees... Just Like Money
    If your best friend moves across the country, or decides to leave the country entirely, don't bother calling or writing to tell them how much you miss them. Just hop on a plane and go visit them!
  40. Magical Mystery Tour Rule
    Love is all you need.
  41. Magical Mystery Corollary (Cradle-Robber Rule)
    True love endures all obstacles, including societal stigmatism, teacher/student ostracism, and the mobilization of an entire country's army to destroy your relationship.
  42. Lost in Continuity Rule
    Details? What are those?
  43. Bishonen Everywhere
    80% of people who think they're heterosexual are just fooling themselves.
  44. There's No Attraction like Sexual Attraction (Bishonen Corollary)
    If any two characters of the same gender are friends, they harbor sexual lust for each other. If any two characters of the same gender utterly despise each other, they harbor sexual lust for each other.
  45. First Law of Angst
    If something goes wrong, make sure the hero blames his/herself, because it couldn't possibly be anyone else's fault. On the plus side, doing this may unlock greater power that will easily allow the hero to fix the problem.
  46. Last Law of Angst
    Angst is a powerful factor and will appear at anytime, suffered by anyone. The silliest person in existence will suffer occasional angst. Don't be surprised.
  47. Otaku National Anthem
    Using disturbing phrases or honorifics of a language you don't speak in normal conversation is totally awesome. And maybe even kawaii.
  48. A Woman's Place
    When in love, every female, no matter how strong or dedicated to a cause or a career, will immediately forget all about those silly things and concentrate solely on marriage and having a few dozen babies.
  49. What Did I Do Wrong?
    All those same previously strong women, as soon as they fall in love, will burst into tears and massive angst at the slightest hint of rejection or loss of the loved one.
  50. Equal Rights (The InuYasha Rule)
    When a woman is jealous due to her crush ending up in a relationship with another person, everyone will consider her to be justified. When a man is jealous, everyone will treat him like a rat bastard.
  51. What Love Are YOU Talking About
    Incest is perfectly natural, especially if one or more of you are suffering amnesia... which, much like cutting/bulimia, does not require hospitalization or medical attention.
  52. Laguna Beach
    At some point or another, every intellectual property in existence will have a fanfic written that takes the main characters and places them in an AU high school setting. This will happen regardless of how inappropriate it is for the original universe/timeline. Seven or eight battle-hardened men and women driving 60ft. tall mecha in the far off future? Three lost children living in the Celtic wilds 4000 years in the past? Several middle-aged people working in a government investigative agency in the present? High school, here they come!
  53. Clique Wars Corollary
    In that AU high school fic, the least-liked people in the source material will end up being the cocky football players and flighty cheerleaders whose only purpose in life is to cause drama and keep the lead characters from falling in love. Often, one of the lead characters will be a member of one of said cliques who falls in love with someone outside their group, while the rest of their friends unanimously work together to stop this potential relationship from developing.
  54. OOC Is IC
    Watch out if your couple isn't well liked -- one of you will end up abusing/cheating on the other.
  55. "Do you hear that Fezzik? That is the sound of ultimate suffering."
    As a corollary to the above, don't be surprised if you turn into a violent psychopath who tries to break up the new relationship between your ex and who their true love should have been. Really, it happens all the time!
  56. The Non-Odd Couple
    Once that person is set with their true love, however, their life will turn into the epitome of perfection, and they will never again experience any sort of bad or depressing life event, besides occasional hijinks that are great for laughs. This sometimes results in a spin-off fic series.
  57. Remus/Sirius Stock Drops in Price
    You're only allowed to have one true love. If you were in a loving relationship with someone else years prior to finding your true love, you will suddenly have an epiphany and realize you didn't love the first person as much as you thought you did. If you're still in a relationship with the first person, it will turn sour. Fulfilling relationships with different people at different times of your life? Stop lying.
  58. Gundam Wing Rule
    Everyone has a tragic past. Everyone.
  59. Genetic Inheritance Rule
    All members of a canon character's family have similar personalities, interests, skills, and superpowers. This is true even if these traits are the result of freak accidents.
  60. Reverse Curse
    Most curses are actually beneficial in some way, and when they're finally cured, the character will become completely useless to the rest of the storyline.
  61. Never Give Up Until It's Convenient
    When two characters are in love, a third will fight for the length of the entire story to break them apart or steal one of them away. When the story wraps up, this character will have a sudden epiphany of the impossibility of their goal and quit trying. They'll never manage to realize this earlier and thereby save themselves loads of effort.
  62. Everyone Has A Fetish for Everything
    Can't control your sphincter? Gotta wear diapers? No problem; the love of your life that you meet later in the story will think diapers are hot.
  63. Plan 9 from Outer Space
    B-rated film dialogue is how you speak in normal life.
  64. Life Insurance Rule
    If something bad happens to you, a friend will vow to protect you and never let anything happen to you ever again.
  65. "Fat Momma gave me cooties!"
    Superpowers are as common as colds. Unfortunately, you can't get rid of them the same way.
  66. Colorblind Corollary
    If you're a superhero, and your outfit has one particular major shade of color, then you'll have to wear at least a tidbit of clothing with that color every day. Bonus points if your underwear matches.
  67. Character Consistency Rule
    If someone was described to you as being a specific way, such as shy, it's alright if they never act that way from then on. They're said to be shy, so that's what they are.
  68. Deus Ex Machina Corollary
    Even less surprising is when a person who never acts in a specific manner in their life does something/acts in a specific way at just the proper time during an important situation set-up. Just nod and smile.
  69. The ADHD Principle of Narration
    For a large chunk of readers, action is preferable to interesting talk and rich textural description. Therefore, don't be too surprised when, during a pivotal moment of dialogue, something explodes and someone calls you out.
  70. Tonight's Fanfiction Includes Music from...
    Adding in lyrics from a song in a fanfic always helps the atmosphere, especially during angst scenes.
  71. Six Degrees of Seperation
    Anyone new always ends up related to you or your best friends.
  72. Sleeping Beauty Rule
    Anyone in a coma will completely, instantaneously recover after hearing their lover/best friend/parent sobbing at their bedside by opening their eyes and immediately speaking. Brain damage? Stop joking.
  73. "That tube goes where?" (Sleeping Beauty Corollary)
    People on a ventilator are really just fine. They can open their eyes and attempt to speak, and might occasionally freak cause there's, you know, a giant tube down their throat, but overall that's not a piece of life saving equipment that’s only used in serious situations. It doesn’t hurt either.
  74. First Impressions Rule
    Your clothes interest people on the street more than the pet tigers you are walking.
  75. These Wounds Won't Grow Back
    Angst is always better with gratuitous violence involving limbs.
  76. Oh Baby
    There's no such thing as lime.
  77. Destiny in Five Seconds
    Delayed gratification is a concept best left to angels.
  78. Last Minute Prom Date Rule
    That kid you played with in kindergarten and declared your best friend forevar!!1!one! will come back, be completely hot, and become your true love.
  79. Gautama Was Slightly Off-Track
    Sacrifice yourself for your unrequited love. Seriously. It buys your way into reanimation and reincarnation.
  80. "Mommy, Timmy's being mean to me at school!"
    The more two people try to injure, maim, or kill each other, the more likely that they're in love and their actions are really just a front to hide their real feelings.
  81. Learning Curve Rule
    Canon characters are the only ones who learned to use his or her powers in a normal, gradual manner. Anyone else goes dangerously out of control, being a threat to him/herself and others, until at some point he/she suddenly gains perfect mastery.
  82. Killer Fashion Rule
    That necklace/bracelet/other accessory the hero has been wearing all along will at the last moment begin to glow and save their life/help them win the final battle.
  83. The Law of First Meetings
    Anyone who is introduced to you will instantly either love or hate you, and you will do vice versa. There is no middle ground.
  84. Forgotten Epiphany Rule
    If you or anyone you know has amnesia, then that person is going to be the one with superpowers.

The following people have read enough good/bad/silly/odd/repulsive fanfiction over the years to kindly submit more entries to the list: